Hello there, my name is Sadie. My blog is a look into all my thoughts, dreams, wishes and whats going on in my life. Feel free to stay awhile(:
Ask me whatever whenever(:
You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge. Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone — profusely. But don’t apologize for being who you are.
1. I sit at my desk, a pen in hand but the ability to blend words into meaningful sentences has, like you, left me wondering what I can still possibly be good at.
2. I read lots and lots of books, imagining you are He and I am She, stopping only when the two characters are finally joined together. That is when I stop, frowning. I know how this will end and fiction is always neater than reality. It’s unfair, I think to myself over and over.
3. I open up our message thread and re-read past comments, trying to remember what it was like to be loved by you. I hover over the “delete” button but can never muster enough courage to say good-bye so permanently.
4. I stare at old photos of you, trying to find that person, My Person, but instead your eyes look strange and your smile unconvincing.
5. I take long showers, deep condition my hair and shave my legs even though it doesn’t matter as these nights, I sleep alone.
6. I think of taking walks through familiar neighbourhoods to meet new people. I think of smiling at strangers and striking up conversations with elderly walkers. I don’t actually leave the house because missing you is the only activity I’ve signed up for and it’s utterly exhausting.
7. I listen to friends muse over their OkCupid accounts. We laugh and I encourage, pushing them towards imagined scenarios that could become polaroid memories. I imagine what my profile would read. Five Things I Can’t Live Without: Still You. I imagine meeting someone new and feeling their fingers on my skin for the first time. I imagine basking in their admiring glances. I realise I will never love someone the way I loved you. I realise that’s a good thing. I am unsure of why that makes me so sad. I don’t set up an account.
8. I think about messaging your friends just to ask how you are. I try to word things casually, hinting at a friendly demeanor. My best friend reminds me that if you wanted me to know how you were, I would know. I hit backspace until the message is empty. I close the box and Facebook altogether.
9. I cook meals that aren’t anything like the ones we shared. This isn’t on purpose. I use cilantro instead of coriander, bell peppers instead of capsicum. I enjoy each bite, sharing them with the cast of Parks and Rec instead of you.
10. I think about cutting my hair or colouring it pink just so I won’t look like the girl that you used to love. I realise how trite the cliché is. I don’t care and book myself an appointment.
You were somebody before you met them. Please remember that.